posting this wishing no-one reads it or that everyone does, hoping to find kindness, which i know all of you are all the time
Writing this down I find it hard to start. I guess I’ll start by telling you how much I hate you. I’m sorry if that hurt your feelings, but it’s the truth. I hate how you make me feel when I’m in a new situation. Telling me that it is probably not even going to work, to not even try. Even before failing, before gaining lessons. For putting doubts in my head that weigh me down, even when I most need you not to. You make me doubt my every move, whispering your silent, empty words, gnawing at my good thoughts. Eating away Carelessness and Confidence. “Will you ever have enough?” I sometimes ask you. No is your reply. “No and you couldn’t stop me even if you tried.” Because it’s not that I don’t try to get rid of you. I’ve read my share of books and quotes. When will it be enough?
I am not an angry person but you make me so angry at myself. I value being liked. Maybe a bit too much. Maybe I just need to prove you wrong. Show myself I can do it. Or focus more on what I can do. Laugh at you and at myself for trying, for failing. Care less and lift the heavy weight off my shoulders. The weight I put there myself. Oh just to breathe in and out and realize that everything is going to be okay. That I’ll get there, even though I don’t know where ‘there’ is. I am alive. Let that be enough.
Insecurity, do you really think it to be true that other people constantly have an opinion about me? And the things I do and say? And do you really think that is all that matters?Because when it comes down to it, doesn’t that just make me sad? I should value how my friends and family think about me, yes, because they know who I am. I show my true self to them, without doubts, without insecurity.
You should value how I think about you. Because, after all, you’re a part of me. And I think you will always be a part of me. We might not always like it, but I must admit, you make me stronger. You make me who I am. I can learn from you and you from me and see my strengths and smile, because I won’t need you then. I just wish you would see that. And I will try to accept that I am an insecure girl who doesn’t like to make mistakes. That if she tries to be everything to everyone, she will lose herself on the way. And that failing or not being good at something is so human.
Please tell her that sometimes, will you?
For a while, I’ve been dealing with insecurity. It’s something that has just always been there. I think it really started to kind of consume me when I went to high school and it never really went away. It was a breath of fresh air to talk about it with my mom and aunt and hear that they were still insecure too. About a lot of things. It made me realize that it’s not something that just leaves after you get out of puberty (do we ever?).
I just wanted to write this letter to show how it made me feel and what my experience with insecurity is. I hope it might inspire to open up about it, because it is good to talk about it. I want it to be part of my blog, because it is a big part of me and a lot of my thought goes out to it. Recently I’ve been a lot of performance anxiety whilst working and I kept looking for ways to get rid of that fear. I couldn’t and it made me so angry at myself for being so insecure all the time. I would get nervous the morning before work started. And I don’t think that is just going to stop when I get back to work, it might even be worse. I want to accept that part of me and live with it. The overcaring, approval-searching, insecure part of me. Maybe this is a step towards doing that.
Lots more love to you,